Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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