so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
