I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
