Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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