i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Please don't give away my fajitas
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