i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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