I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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