I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
