i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
