Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
