I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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