so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
