WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
