I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
