I smell stomach acid.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
