Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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