Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just found a bag of teeth...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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