The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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