Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
