You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
its liver damage thursday
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
