is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
