I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Found the puke drawer
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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