my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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