And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
