Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
