I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I need to calm my uterus...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
