What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize