sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
