we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Two words: nipple clamps
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