forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
