Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
