So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
