Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
