Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
