well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
