so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
