just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
