How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
