In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
