I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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