Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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