I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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