She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
