Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
