my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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