Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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