Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We need to get me chipped asap
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize