I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
