I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
