I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I understand Curling. That high.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
