life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
