I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
