Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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